Neville's Last Year
by The Deranged Duo
Summary: It's Neville's last year at Hogwarts, and he's determined to go out with a bang. But when he buys a mysterious box of TicTacs at Hogsmeade, his seventh year turns out to be more than he bargained for!


Disclaimer: All of the characters are J.K. Rowling's, Fanfiction.net belongs to Xing, and METMA is Mandy's. This was written back and forth via email. Enjoy...   
***  
  
The sun shone brightly through the window of the Hogwarts Express on September 1st. Neville squinted into the cutting light, waving goodbye to his grandmother as the train slowly pulled away from the station.   
  
It was to be Neville's 7th and last year at Hogwarts, and he had promised his grandmother to be good, as usual. But he had also promised himself something, and that was to go out with a BANG. In Diagon Alley the past week, he had secretly bought a potion that was guaranteed to improve his love-life within 2 weeks, or he would get his 8 sickels back.   
  
"Yes, Trevor," he grinned, blithly opening the package of ordinary Muggle Tic-Tacs, "this year's going to be a bit different.   
  
****  
  
But then an uneasy thought struck Neville's tiny brain like a ton of bricks.   
  
"Who the heck do I want to fall in love with?" Neville said to himself. Mentally, he went through a list of tolerable Hogwarts girls.  
  
"Cho? Pavarti? Lavender? Hermione?"  
  
But it was no use. Neville knew in his heart that none of these girls were good enough for him. He settled back into his seat and decided to just take things as they came.  
  
Suddenly he was being shaken awake by a familiar pair of hands. "Neville? Neville, wake up! I want to talk to you!"  
  
Neville slowly blinked his eyes and found himself staring at Harry Potter. Harry blinked at Neville and considered him a bit, confused.  
  
"Neville, did you cut your hair or something? There's something a bit strange about you... I can't place it...." Harry absentmindedly rubbed his scar.  
  
Neville smiled. "No, nothing different, Harry. I'm just the same old Longbottom."   
  
Harry grinned.   
  
"May I join you?" said a melodious voice from behind Harry.  
  
Neville looked up and couldn't believe his eyes. Was that... could it really be....?  
  
"Got any news for your old pal Hermione?" Hermione smiled.  
  
"Hey, baby," said Neville, smiling goofily while raising his right eyebrow.  
  
"Er, hello, Neville. Did you get a haircut over the summer or something? You look more... dashing and handsome," Hermione said, inspecting him closely.  
  
Neville happily patted his magical Tic-Tacs in his pocket. "Well, you might say I changed a little... I did, after all," he whispered, making sure no one but her was listening, "get a new belt."  
  
"A new belt!" Hermione swooned. "Oh, Neville, you are such a scoundrel!"  
  
Harry looked at Hermione in utter confusion. "A new BELT?" he asked.  
  
Suddenly Ron joined them. "Hey Neville, nice belt," said Ron.  
  
At the sound of Ron's voice Hermione snapped out of her uncharacteristic swooning.  
  
"Hi, Ron!" she said brightly. Want to join me for a butterbeer in the dining car?"  
  
"Sure," said Ron.  
  
"I'll go too." Harry said. "What about you, Neville?"  
  
A discouraged Neville settled into his seat once more. "No, thanks." he said. As the others left, Neville once again dozed off. This time he had an insane and bizarre dream....  
  
"You FOOL!" said the fluffy pink rabbit. "You should have read the fine print on those magical Tic-Tacs!"  
  
"Fine print?" said Neville. "There was fine print?"  
  
"Nevermind...." continued the disgruntled bunny. "I'll tell you what it says. 'Attention: these little love mints will have a wonderful effect as long as the girl does not hear the voice of her true love. After she hears this, the magic is shattered and the spell is broken.' "  
  
"So... Hermione.... and RON?" squeaked Neville.  
  
"Yes, you squib," said the rabbit. "Are you blind? They were bloody made for each other!"  
  
"Oh, well I've heard that Hermione will end up with everyone from Harry Potter to Draco Malfoy to Dumbledore to...."  
  
"Have you been on that Muggle website again?" accused the bunny. "I warned you not to..."  
  
"I'm sorry!" apologized Neville. "But I like knowing what people think will happen to me!"  
  
"Oh, shut up." said the evil pink furball. "So, have you got any girls in mind to be the next Mrs. Longbottom? Personally, I think Lavendar Longbottom has a nice ring..."  
  
Suddenly the evil rabbit was interrupted by a very angry partially melted cauldron.  
  
"Recognize ME, Longbottom?" said the cauldron. "Oh yes. It's me, your abused little cauldron. You thought I didn't have feelings, didn't you. Thought it didn't MATTER when my feet fused to the floor, did you? Weelll, I'm here to tell you DIFFERENTLY!"  
  
Neville awoke with a scream and a start. "Goodness, I HATE that nightmare." he said. He sighed and stretched out. As he squirmed around, he felt the package of Tic-Tacs in his pocket and remembered his dream. Curious, he pulled it out of his pants, and checked for fine print. It was there.  
  
"Well, that was a bit odd," he thought to himself. "I don't know any fluffy pink bunnies, anyway!" But before Neville could ponder this any further, the door to his compartment swung open, and in walked the tall, greasy haired potions master that was the bane of Neville's existance. Severus Snape.  
  
"H-h-hello, P-professor S-snape," stuttered Neville, trying to back away.   
  
Snape turned and saw him. He opened his mouth to utter what was surely an insult to Neville. But, to Neville's surprise, he smiled, and said, "Nice belt, Longbottom. Where'd you get it?"  
  
Neville opened his mouth to try to say something, but nothing came out. Snape, the evil Snape, was complimenting him on his new belt?! But... that didn't make sense... unless... the Tic-Tacs. Neville, frenzied, grabbed the package out of his pocket and examined the label once more. It seemed to get lengthier each time he looked at it, but that didn't bother him at the moment. He was more concerned with the new line of fine print, that said, 'Attention: these little love mints are highly effective in getting ALL people to love you... including certain Potions masters. And you'll have a hard time finding HIS true love.'  
  
"SNAPE IS IN LOVE WITH ME!" screamed poor Neville's brain. "This is a billion times worse than that stupid cauldron nightmare...."  
  
"What's wrong, Longbottom?" inquired Snape. "You look a bit pale. Do you have a fever?"  
  
In horror, Neville watched as Snape reached out a clammy hand to touch his forehead. But before Snape could touch him, Neville was saved.  
  
"Attention all Hogwarts students!" said a demanding female voice, magically projected into the compartment. "This is Professor McGonagall speaking. Due to extraneous circumstances, the train will be delayed for a few hours. Please do not worry. I look forward to seeing you all soon."  
  
Snape, at the first sound of McGonagall's voice, straightened up and rubbed his temples.  
  
"Delayed, hmm...." he muttered to himself. "That means I won't get to see my beloved Minerva for a few more tortuous hours!"  
  
Neville's jaw dropped in shock.   
  
Snape looked at Neville, blushed, glared, and left the compartment.  
  
"Curiouser and curiouser...." Neville thought, drifting off to sleep once more.  
  
"What did I tell you?" snickered the bunny. "Ha! You got very lucky there, Neville. What were the odds that McGonagall was Snape's true love?"  
  
"Well, according to a fanfiction.net survey, quite good, actually." said Neville.  
  
"Will you please shut up about that infernal Muggle website?" said the bunny, fluffy pink hair standing on end.  
  
"Yes," said the melted cauldron, entering, "the only website I like is called METMA. They're the only Muggles who really understand me. Except sometimes, they get insane..."  
  
The rabbit, now hot pink and as big as a troll, flew to attack Neville and his cauldron...  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" shouted Neville, now awake. He sat up in his chair quickly, looked around to see if anyone had heard him, and felt the train come to a grinding stop.  
  
Neville rubbed his eyes, and looked out the window. To his surprise, he was staring at the large castle he had called his school for seven years.  
  
"Wow," he thought, "I sure slept for a long time." He blew air into his hand, wrinkling his nose at the smell. "Ew. Morning breath!" Neville grabbed his packet of Tic-Tacs and quickly ate a few. "Ahh, much better," he sighed.  
  
"Everyone, off the train," said McGonagall's magically magnified voice. "Ooh, hello Severus..." she said, as the announcement cut off.  
  
"I knew it," thought Neville to the pink bunny as he jumped off his seat in excitement of a new year at Hogwarts. This year was going to be different -- he had the magical Tic-Tacs, didn't he?  
  
As Neville walked through the huge oaken front doors of Hogwarts, Peeves was throwing water-balloons as usual. But as soon as he saw Neville, he stopped and swooped down to where Neville was standing.  
  
"Why, hello there Nevy-poo," he said, doing backflips in the air.  
  
"Oh, dear lord," shouted Neville's brain. No... it can't be...  
  
"Have you got a new belt?" asked Peeves, confirming Neville's fears.  
  
"What... um...what are you talking about?" squeaked Neville.  
  
"Forgive, me, Nevy-poo." said Peeves in a husky voice.  
  
Suddenly Peees swooped down as if to kiss Neville, but due to his ghostly form it didn't work. Peeves began to sob, and clung to Neville's shirt.  
  
"My one true love, a human! What am I going to do, Nevy-poo?" he choked out.  
  
Hermione, Harry, Ron, and a crowd of first-years were ogling at the scene.  
  
Neville, meanwhile, was frantically reading the rest of the small print. "Especially potent for evil teachers, ghosts, anything female, twins, cauldrons, centaurs...."  
  
"Um, is there something wrong with Peeves?" said Ron, his arm around Hermione.  
  
"Beats me." Hermione said. The couple walked down the hall.  
  
Suddenly, Neville was attacked by a mob of first-year girls. They were all screaming his name shrilly. "NEVILLE! I LOVE YOU! MARRY ME!" they screamed.  
  
He tried to fight them off as they tried to get a piece of his clothing or a lock of his hair, but he was unsuccessful. Finally, he just turned and ran out of the castle until he came to the lake.  
  
"Finally," thought Neville, "I'll be safe from people loving me!" He gazed into the deep blue depths of the lake, getting a breather from his horrible ordeals of the day. Suddenly, the surface of the lake began to ripple, and a giant, electric blue squid surfaced.  
  
"Why, hello there, little boy," it rasped. "Have you got a new belt, or something?"  
  
Groaning and backing away from the edge of the lake, Neville finished reading the fine print. "This potion can be rendered void only by kissing a giant electric blue squid named Freddina."   
  
"Eww!" thought Neville. But then he decided that anything was better than being hit on by Snape and Peeves.   
  
He cautiously moved towards the animal. "Um, pardon, but what's your name?"   
  
"Freddina, you hunk of burning love. KISS ME!" said Freddina longingly.  
  
Neville sighed, took off his shoes, and waded into the water. The squid threw its tentacles around him and smooched him on the cheek. It was a very, very nasty feeling that no wizard should ever have to experience in their lifetime. Poor Neville.   
  
Suddenly the squid pulled back. "Why did I just kiss a HUMAN? Ugh." it said, slithering back into the water.   
  
"Well, thank goodness that's over," Neville said, rubbing slime off of his cheek.   
  
Just then a voice in his head that sounded like a certain pink rabbit said, "Nevvvville, Neville DEAR, you know I wouldn't let you get off THAT easy.... MUHAHAHAAA!!!"  
  
Neville frantically looked around him, but could perceive nothing unusual. He sighed, but then a very familiar damaged cauldron appeared in front of him.   
  
"NEVILLE, MY LOVE! I FORGIVE YOU FOR ABUSING ME!" the melted cauldron said, hopping towards Neville.   
  
Neville shrieked and tried to run, but slipped in the mud.   
  
Suddenly a huge CLUNK could be heard.   
  
Let's just say that the infirmary had a new patient and the cauldron got his revenge...   
  
MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!   
***  
  
=) R/R por favor! Or the poor cauldron will get you, too! 


End file.
